Snowflakes

Every snowflake is as unique as each one of us are. 

 

At our beautiful lunch Tea party there were snowflakes decorating the table.  Also on the table was a beautiful ice candles I wish I took a picture of but I didn't think of it at that moment.  When we went back to our seats in the hall the snowflakes where on each of our chairs.  How beautiful to remind us we are all individual.  We all have our own snowflake journey.
 

Retreat Centerpiece!

 

These Snowflakes reminded me to invite each of you to share your snowflake journeys.  I have heard from some of you.  I would love to hear from more of you.  Know I am praying for you all on your journey.

 

Leave your snowflake journey in the comments below or feel free to email me at ajniall@hotmail.com

 

 

Prayer for me and know I will be pre for you.  God Bless. 

Healthy Baby

I mentioned in the post Two Doctors in 2 Days that of my both doctors said my baby has increased chances of birth defects.  What does that mean to me?  Is it scary?  Yes, it is a little scary but not as scary as losing a baby.  It means that I once again need to trust God.  He knows what is best for my life and He will do in me what is His will. 

On retreat this weekend the priest, Fr. Emmerich Vogt, started his talk with the Serenity Pray:

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it;

Trusting that You will make all the things right if I surrender to Your Will;

so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. 

Amen.   

Do I blame myself?  NO.  Could I avoid the birth defects?  Well there is a 3.8% higher chance of having a baby with birth defects if blood sugars are high in the first trimester because baby is developing.  This is my 5th baby and the first time I have heard of this.  Maybe I should have known.  I did not and that makes me sad but I can not change my past.  One of Fr. Emmerich's favorite quotes is "Give up on the hope of a better past."  He told us this on retreat this week.  Who knew I needed to hear this?  God.  I can't chance what I didn't know, I can't even chance the past 13 weeks of my  life.  I can only trust God knows what he is doing.  I AM going to choose to trust that God knows exactly what He is doing in my life. 

I continue to ask for your prayers.  I am praying for you.  God Bless!

Hidden Retreat Beauty

Beautiful creamer full of evergreens to help us to remember God is forever pouring His love over us. 

I have been looking forward to coming on retreat for a long time.  At first I thought it was because it was a time to get away but when  I got here I realized that was only a small piece of the puzzle.

The beauty and detail we receive while an retreat.

Last year when I came on this retreat I was so sad and broken.  I may not have looked broken on the outside but boy was I broken.  The retreat last year was three short months after the loss of Peter.  I was hurting as these beautiful women prayed with me and over me and gave me such hope.  It was wonderful and beautiful all at the same time.   

Every snowflake is as unique as the women on the retreat. 

This year the first night we came together and listen to a women share her story about trusting God.  I loved the first night with all my retreat friends, the friends I only see a once or few times a year. 
 

Spending to with friends on retreat! 



One of the first women I saw was my roommate from my first overnight retreat run by the Little Daughters of the Sacred Heart.  When she walked in the room there was no way of missing she was pregnant.  I know seeing a pregnant women on a Catholic retreat, how uncommon is that?  Well for Liz it was what she hoped for but she had lost two babies the year before.  We were both wounded that year before.  It was so beautiful.  I had been praying for her. 



That is when I realized how healing this retreat was for me last year.  I also learned it was healing for some many others also.  (No wonder I was so excited to come on retreat this year.)  That night the pregnant Mama just kept coming.  It was so beautiful.  Not as many babies at this year's retreat but next year there won't be anywhere to put all the Mamas with babies.   

The Relic Room at St. Benedict Abbey.

 I AM HERE was the theme for this retreat.  So beautiful and true.  Lord you were very present with us this beautiful weekend.

This retreat is part of my journey, part of my healing.  The most beautiful part was being prayed over with a relic of St. Gerald.  Last year being prayed of was also the most beautiful and healing part of the retreat.  What a gift these women have!


Center Relic is the true cross and just above is Mary and Joseph.
I love Relics.



My favorite part of the retreats is the arts and crafts we do.  (Well one of my many favorite parts of the retreat.)  Every year we create something different but still beautiful.  This year we made beautiful birch tree art.  Every one different and still beautiful.  

St. Gerald please intercede for me and all the other pregnant Mamas on this retreat.  You can find a list of the expecting Mamas here. 

Please pray for me and know I am praying for you.  God Bless!

Working Out

 

Snowshoeing at St. Benedict Abbey. 

I am trying to get healthy and I often forget eating is only one piece of the puzzle. 

The second piece of the puzzle is working out.  I need to just start moving.  Moving can be such a challenge especially in the winter.  Moving for a diabetic and someone with PCOS is totally medicine!  As one good friend said it best, exercise is insulin.
 

The beauty one can experience while exercising!

I need to take this insulin (exercise) daily!  I know from past experience that this insulin (exercise) is a very effective natural substitute. 

 

I find excuses all over creation not to exercise.  I am a busy homeschooling mom is the excuse I use most.  And while this excuse is true and it is hard to find time to exercise it is important.  When it is as important to your health as it is to my health you/I need to MAKE TIME to do it! 

 

This week I started to workout.  I started really slow at 9 - 12 minutes of Zumba and 6 - 10 minutes of stretching exercises.  This Saturday I even went out into the snow and spent about an hour snowshoeing. 

 

Exercise with good friends, that's a great way to get out!

I will continue to exercise because it is beneficial to my health.  I will continue to exercise because it will help decrease my blood sugars.  Lord help me to make exercise an important part of my life.  Help me to take exercise seriously. 



Fun while exercising!  Turkey tracks. 

Why am I talking about exercise?  Exercise is going to be a huge part of this pregnancy journey!  Please pray I stay strong and continue to exercise. 

I will be praying for you.  God Bless!

Retreat Retreat

I Am Here.....This was the name of  the retreat I was on this weekend.  What a wonderful weekend with fantastic women.  Thank you God for getting me therefore yet another year. I will elaborate on the retreat through out the week. 

For now I want to pray for all the pregnant Mama's on the retreat.  There were many of us and it was beautiful.  I will be praying for  Liz T, Sara, Michelle. Colleen, Cindy C (from NC), Christine (from NC), Tabatha, Anne V and I hope I am not missing anyone.  Next years retreat will be fun and filled with babies.

I would also like to pray for Kate.  She and her husband are trying to conceive a baby for many years and have also started the adopt process.  Please prayer for them.

St. Gerald please intercede for al of us.   

Please pray for these Mamas and pray for me. I am praying for you.  God Bless. 

Two Doctors in 2 Day

On Thursday I said I would explain why I hate doctors! 

 

 

The long and the short to "why I hate doctors" is ME!  I am very defensive (pride). 

I don't like to take the easy route (medicine) although I truly know sometimes it is necessary.  I am a diet controlled diabetic but sometimes my diet is not so controlled (true confessions).  I don't always take my blood sugars so sometimes I am truly ignorant.  There are times when I should be on medication but I try so hard to keep my blood sugars down.  Sometimes I am super successful and other times I am very unsuccessful. 

If I had a doctor that was closer to my home and I liked I would go more often.  When I have to answer to a doctor I am more likely to be compliant.  I love my doctor but he is just soooooo far away and to be even more honest I was just hard to go back to him after Peter died.  Tasks that were not so overwhelming in the past became overwhelming.  I know I know I need to either find a new doctor or a local endocrinologist.  Happily I did just found an endocrinologist.   

My two doctors appointment in two days basically told me three things.  One I am old, my blood sugars (because of pregnancy hormones) have been high, and I am at risk of having a baby with birth defects.  I sadly was started insulin on Friday.  The other two things I was told I have NO control over.

What was my first response when I was told I was of advance maternal age?  Well I laughed (to myself)!  I was never told that when I was pregnant with Peter because I had a home birth midwife.  My doctor did try to comfort me by saying she was eight years younger when she had her last baby, not a comfort.  Thanks for trying! 

I am seriously thankful for my doctors.  I know they are only saying and doing what have know.  I often times react poorly and I am trying to work on responding Christianly. 

Please pray we have a healthy baby but God's will be done.  Secondly please pray that I find a good labor and delivery doctor.  My labor and delivery doctor is only interim until I find a permanent doctor.  I am looking for a good doctor/hospital that will be able to meet my needs.  I have, I believe, come to the conclusion that I will have a cesarean with this baby.  I would like to find a doctor/hospital that will allow me to have a family centered cesarean. 

What does that mean?  Well for me that means I can have more than just my husband in my surgery room (my support help and someone to take picture), pictures are allowed, the doctors won't be talking about their tennis/golf game while working on me and most importantly when baby Niall #5 is born he/she will be brought to Mama for skin-to-skin contact and to nurse right away!  I am not sure how difficult of a task this will be but it is daunting to think about.  Now that I have found an endocrinologist I will start working to find a new labor and deliver doctor. 

Thank you for your prayers and know I am praying for you.  God Bless. 

Happy Tears!

No I really didn't cry but I am so happy that I heard my baby's heart beat today.  Best sound ever! 

 

 

 

Thanks for you prayers. 

 

Tomorrow I will tell you why I hate doctors and what is coming next in my journey. 

Emotions for me equals John Bates (not totally)

Today is a big day so I will be blogging twice today.   I am sure it will be a day filled with emotion. 

What is this big day all about? 

I go to my first official appointment. The one where I get to hear the baby's heart beat. 

It will be such a comfort to hear this baby's heart beat.  I know it doesn't mean everything but at this point it is the only comfort I have passed the positive test.  Therefor at this point in my pregnancy it is EVERYTHING! 

Why the emotion?  The last time I went to hear my baby's heart beat my midwife could not find the heart beat.  She could not find Peter's heart beat.  We didn't even know our baby as Peter during that visit. That was the day we said "hello and goodbye" to our little baby "Saint" Peter. 

This leads me to the continuation of my discussion from yesterday, emotions.  I know a pregnancy after a loss can increase emotions.  Pregnancy is a hormonal and emotional rollercoaster no matter the circumstance.  It is just a bit more of a challenge when you are worried about carrying a baby to term on top of all the other hormonal emotions. 

Everyone will deal with their emotions differently.  I am pouring lots of energy into this blog.  I am also working on being healthy.  Both of these tasks along with caring for my three children (and husband), homeschool, running all over town and every day tasks take lots of energy.  I truly feel like all these energies are God's calling for me at this moment.  Am I masking my emotions? Absolutely not, although some may not agree.  Again we all deal with loss and hurt in so many different ways.  I do believe we NEED to deal with our emotions. 

The way I deal with emotion is to rationalize everything.  Life and emotions have to make sense to me.  My sense is not going to be your sense.  When I have an emotion I work on figuring out why I am having the feelings and emotions.  I will say I am not always successful but mostly after time in prayer it is revealed to me.  I pray about my feeling and I ask God to help me.  Through that process I completely trust God.  He gets me through everything.

This may not be your process and I am here to say this is okay. God does not work in all of our lives in the same way.  We are not robots.  I am explaining the way I deal with emotion because it will help to understand where I come from as you read my blog. 

To add to your understanding of my emotional process I wanted to share the results of a silly quiz took yesterday, "Which Downton Abbey character are you."  I got Bates, I totally understand why I got Bates he is no nonsense!  He has emotions but they say "No hardship is too great for him to come back from."  I believe that is true for me ONLY by the GRACE of God! 

Emotions are always difficult.  We need to deal with them and some of us have a harder time dealing with emotions that other.  Let yourself feel and ask Our Lord to help you! 

Pray for me today as I deal with the emotions of going to and God willing hearing the beat of my baby's heart.  I will pray for you today! 

Snowy Down Days

View from Mama's bedroom window. 

Today was a total down day.  It was snowy and I really didn't want to get out of bed, so I didn't.  Well I got out of bed to make dinner and clean up the kitchen. 

The children did a little school and then played outside in the snow.  Thomas and I napped! 

Dinner was late (a norm in the de Niall household) but amazing.  I tried my hand at red curry chicken for the first time.  Everyone enjoyed it but it was a bit spicy for some.  I didn't even notice the spice, I love spicy food. 

After dinner I started to get cramping.  I know cramping is normal during pregnancy but every time I feel something that could lead to the loss of my baby I get worried. 

It is not a fear that I let go out of control.  I must say that in the end I know God is in control.  I can not let the cramping take over my life.  Understand me when I say I will not let it take over my life.  I am not saying that my feelings are not real or that I shouldn't have these feelings.  I believe that all feelings are legitimate after a loss.  All worries are okay.  If you have these feelings of worry and concern and they don't go away it is okay.  I am a women of faith and I trust in the Lord.  This is what keeps me going. 

Another thing that keeps me going these days are down days.  I never used to like or even want down days.  Having me children hang out with me lounging is a comfort to me.  Snowy days lead to lounging.  I don't know how  many more of these days we will have but I am going to take what we get. 

Lord I have no control over this pregnancy. my feelings or my worries.  I only have control over my trust in you, continue to help me.  My baby Saint Peter I ask that you intercede on my behalf, for daddy and for your siblings.  Ask our Lord to help us all to be joyful during the next 6 months and except His will.  We love you and you are a comfort to your Mama. 

I am not sure how many more snow days we are going to have here in New England but I am looking forward to a few more.  I may be the only person who gets excited to be forced to stay home and just be but as far as I'm concerned....LET IT SNOW. 

Let it snow a few more times.  :)

Prayers and Support

I would like to thank you all for the kind words and support. 

This is going to be a journey but I can already feel the love, prayers and support.  It makes me wonder why I waited this long to tell.  :)

I wish I could address every response personally.  I will do my best to address as many as I can.

God is so good to our family.  We are so lucky and grateful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.   

No Wait I Mean YES!

On December 23rd I went to the Dollar Tree and purchased a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  I have always used Dollar Tree pregnancy test and they have always but right.  I was sad but it was what I excepted. 

Yes we want more children but I never know if I can even get pregnant again.  I am diabetic and have polycystic ovaries (PCOS) and with that combo I am lucky to have had four pregnancies. 

Four days later I still had no premenstrual signs so I figured what's the harm I'll go to CVS and pick up another pregnancy test. 

It was the morning of the third day of Christmas, Dec 27th, and my husband was already suspicious.  I was in shock.  How could it be?  This is not the month I thought it would happen.  I had months that I was eating healthier.  Okay God you are so mysterious.  This time the test said yes!

I went right down to Michael's office and gave him his third Day of Christmas present.  I had to ask him to check for me because I was truly in disbelief.  I was right.  He was so happy!   

Me well as happy as I was I was still confused and not totally sure what to believe. I was tricked.  No and now yes, guess I won't be using those dollar tree tests again. 

This was the beginning of my rollercoaster ride. 

The Kids

When do we tell them?  

How much should they know? 

All questions we always ask when we are excepting and the answer is always different. 

Well, of course, this time I planned to do it totally different.  I wouldn't tell them at least until I heard the baby's heart beat. 

One day at mass Thomas kept kicking me in the belly.  In an attempt to get him to stop kicking me I said Thomas there is a baby in Mama's belly.  What is wrong with me!  He started to make a spectacle at mass.  He shouted "there's a baby in you belly take it out."  After what seemed like forever I settled him down and thought he won't remember this in an hour. 

Who was I kidding.  It wasn't immediately but at dinner the next night he started telling everyone about the baby in Mama's belly.  I conveniently ignored the comments from him and the others.  Of course the excitement did not die down for a few days.  Mama is Thomas right do you have a baby in your belly.  Red-faced I just kept changing the subject and eventually the questions stopped. 

Adriana was not convinced!

As many of you know the beginning of pregnancy is exhausting.  How is it that your body registers you are pregnant and all you want to do is sleep.  I was always napping the first few weeks.  I couldn't do anything.  It was right after Christmas and presents were everywhere!  I could not get out of my own way.  Dishes piled to the sky, Adriana was making dinner many nights, and luckily school was on vacation because it never would have gotten done. 

I think she just stewed in her thoughts for weeks.  She watched everything Mama did.  Mama is tired all the time and her patience, well she doesn't have any patience.  A few weeks later she got up the courage to ask the one parent who would probably not avoid her question.  She laid out her case to daddy and said so is Mama going to have a baby.  Daddy is so weak, "yes but you should talk to her."  So before I was ready to let her my baby girl knew Mama was pregnant she had figured it out.  

I had to explain to her that it was hard for me to tell her and that we really needed to pray that Our Lord let us keep this baby. 

Now she knows and when do we tell James. 

I still wanted to wait at least until the heart beat but this weekend love was in the air.  I just wanted him to know so at dinner on Valentines' day Daddy said we have a surprise for you.  It is amazing how excited these little people get knowing another little person is coming. 

Now the prepping for the good or the bad must start. 

I will be in a trans for the next 6 months but my children will keep me going!  They are strong too and I can only prayer they except God's will along with my husband and I. 

I still don't know how much they should know but this is our journey and we will keep on riding with the Lord! 

The Why

The purpose of this blog is the share my journey as a pregnant Mama after the loss of a baby, my baby, Peter.

My perspective is going to be different than many but there will never be an identical story.

I am diabetic so losing a baby at 38 weeks is a true fear again. I know women who have had still births have a fear of losing there next babies diabetic or not! This is my journey.

Today, I am twelve weeks and 2 days pregnant. At mass this morning God placed on my heart to start this blog.  What a weird title but I thought what are the chances that this blog page will be free.  Well if it is I will start writing Lord. 

Here I am writing.  My purpose, my why, to share with you.  To share my journey through the next 6 months. 

I trust God and know that the outcome of this baby growing within my is His will. I may have a perfectly healthy baby, a second still birth or anything in between but it is His will and I am choosing to trust him. This is a new reality.  It took me 11 weeks to reach this conclusion.  Last week at mass I realized that I have a little Saint in heaven and if it is God's will for me to have two saints in heaven I need to except His will and prepare my husband and other children for all possibilities.  How do I do this?  I truly do not know but this is my journey! 

I will say that YES this is without a doubt the scariest pregnancies I have gone through and I am only 12 weeks and 2 days.  I have not told many people (until now/today)!

I am not sure why but it is important to me that other Mamas having a hard pregnancy have a place to come and know they are not the only one.  I am not a writer so if you are expecting quality writing you will not get it here. What you will get is my emotions good, bad, and indifferent. My experience and how I am doing TODAY!

Hope you are looking forward to taking this journey with me. Only God knows how this will end!

Twelve Weeks and 2 Days

On Thursday I go and God willing we will hear baby Niall's heart beat. 

Yes this is the announcement.  Sometime in the summer we are expecting Niall baby #6.  Are we excited!!  you know we are.  Are we scared?? I can speak for myself and YES I am scared. 

While at mass this morning I decided it may be helpful to other women if I were to blog about my journey through this pregnancy.  My journey will be different than other Mama's that have had a loss.  I am sure that every journey is different.  I am also sure there will be many similarities.  It is my journey and all I can do is hope that it helps one Mama out there. 

Yes today I am 12 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  I wasn't going to talk about it until after my appointment on Thursday but today it was clear that it doesn't matter.  If something happens between now and Thursday I will share that part of my journey. 

Please pray for me and my family!  Thanks.