Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Our Story part I

Our Peter Francis was born asleep on November 26th, 2012

This is our journey

Thanksgiving was the Thursday before Peter died.  We had an appointment with my midwife the week before on Tuesday and we heard Peter's heartbeat.  That was the last time I heard his heart beating. 

The weekend after Thanksgiving was long and tiring.  I remember feeling very pregnant and tired.  Thanksgiving was beautiful.  We went on an amazing traditional Thanksgiving hike.  Nothing bad happened—unless you count Michael falling from a tree.  We ate a wonderful Turkey dinner and then Mama started the flyer shopping
for the big day on Friday.  I didn't stop much those couple days, getting up early to cook Thanksgiving dinner and then getting up even earlier to go Black Friday shopping (I had to finish all my Christmas shopping.) I was able to take a short nap while the babysitter was still here. 

I am not sure when I stopped feeling him move.  I am so busy I never really thought much about it.  I didn't think about kick-counts for any of my pregnancies.  It that crazy?  Yes, it probably is crazy but I seriously didn't think my baby would stop moving.  (You know I will be doing kick-count compulsively this time).  It is my guess I stopped feeling him some time Saturday.  I felt really weird starting on Saturday.  I remember feeling uncomfortable.

I remember Saturday evening clearly because we went to a friend’s house for a pre-Christmas party.  Anyone who know me knows I am a social person.  I love parties.  I really didn't want to go to this party.  I was feeling so uncomfortable.  I told a number of people at the party I was tired and feeling weird.  Sunday was not bad I was just still tired.

On Monday I had my appointment with my midwife.  The appointment was great until I lay down.

She started to feel around.  Then she put her doptone fetal stethoscope to my belly.  She couldn't hear anything.  She changed over to the fetal Doppler.  She still could not hear anything.  She was so calm.  I was there with all three of my children.  She still could not hear anything after checking many times.  She sent me home saying to drink some juice and keep trying to feel kicks.  I wasn't feeling much but I wasn’t totally worried.  I remembered a tech not getting Adriana’s heartbeat but eventually getting it.  I know Nancy was way more experienced than the tech was but she had just lost a baby a few days before so maybe it was nervousness. 

I stopped to get a latte at Dunkin Donuts and continued the long drive home.  I waited to feel my baby kick.  There was nothing.  It was an hour drive and the longer I drove the more I worried.  On Mondays they have confessions at St. Francis Xavier church in Bolton.  I decided I had to stop.  I let Adriana go in first and then I went to confession.  At this point, I was really scared.  I went to see Fr. Dave, confessed, and then asked him to pray for me.  I went back to the car then called my friend Rebecca.  She said she would to meet me at my house to watch my children while Michael and I went to the hospital.   I had not decided to go to the hospital yet but she insisted, Michael was also worried and he agreed with Rebecca.  By this time Nancy was calling me.  She too insisted I go to the hospital.  She said she was more concerned than she let on.  She didn't want me to worry the whole drive home. 

I was still hopeful, with God all things are possible, right. 

Michael and I went to the hospital.  We checked in at the labor and delivery ward.  They hooked me up to the fetal monitor.  Again there was not a heartbeat.

We called Fr. Peter.  I still had hope.  I guess I could not believe this was happening to me.  Fr. Peter came to the hospital right away.  He prayed with us, laughed with us and told us stories.   

Because the nurses could not get anything on the fetal monitor the doctor decided to bring up the ultrasound machine.  In what seemed like hours the ultrasound machine finally got here.  Fr. Peter left the room and I prayed and prayed, still no movement and no heartbeat.  How was I still holding out hope?  I don't know but still I wanted everything to be okay.  It had to be okay!  God loves me doesn't He?  He makes miracles happen. 

Fr. Peter came back and prayed with us more.  He gave ups a relic and started to talk to us about names.  For the first time we still hadn't decided on names.  He suggested we name a boy baby Peter.  He said all the Peter's he has known were trouble and maybe God was sparing us the trouble-making.  He made us laugh.  He was saving us from a Simon Peter.  We prayed and Father Peter left.  I think all I could do was pray and continue to hope.  I didn't want to give up the possibility this baby could be alive.  I prayed for a miracle a million times.  Michael was praying for a miracle.  I was in shock. 

The doctor came into talk to us about our options.  (We had three babies at home, all had been delivered by caesarean but we hoped this baby would be born naturally at home.  They told us we could go to Worcester to attempt a vaginal birth or we could stay there and have caesarean.  To me it was a no-brainer, I was not going to attempt a possible uterine rupture with the chance of not having a baby.  Michael agreed.  By this time Rebecca had gotten another good friend Erin to come watch the children so she could come to the hospital.  Let me add Rebecca is not only on of my dearest friends she was also my doula.  

We prepared for the surgery.  I hate all the questions they ask you in the hospital.  Again I know it is their job but the questions annoy me.  We did all the prep stuff and I just prayed.  Michael was with me and we prayed.  I was calm.  I was the first time I was calm through a delivery.  They got to Peter but there were no cries.  I kept hoping but no sound came out of him. 

It's a boy.  November 26th, 2012 at 9:50 p.m. our baby Peter was born asleep. 

Michael named him.  We had both decided if we had a boy we would name him Peter after talking with Fr. Peter but Michael had been praying to St. Francis so he had the connection to him so our son was named Peter Francis.

We brought him back to the room with us.  Michael performed a conditional baptism.  Rebecca was the first of our friends to hold him.
   Now that we knew the outcome, I had lots of things running through my head.   Why didn't I notice he wasn't' moving.  Why if I felt so funny on Saturday did I not call someone?  Could I have avoided this outcome?

All these thoughts were running through my head.

After an exhausting evening I lied in bed holding my baby while I cried and tried to sleep. 

In the night one of the nurses kindly took Peter down and took some beautiful pictures of him.  She also took his foot and hand prints for us.  These prints have been such a comfort and beautiful memory for our family.  

Michael went home early the next morning to talk to the children.  They were going to be heartbroken.  How would they take this loss?  Oh my Adriana was going to be so sad.
to be continued........


  1. Oh Adrianne! My heart breaks all over again for you! I can only imagine the pain you must have felt and continue to feel. You will continue to be in my prayers. Someday, God will reveal to you why He chose to keep beautiful little Peter Him. Hugs!

    1. Thanks for the continued prayers Chrissy. They truly carry us through many days. Someday God will reveal all to us and I imagine that at that time we won't even care. We will just be happy to be with Him for the rest of eternity! :)